“Well it ain’t much all right I know
But it’s the only song I know
2 a.m. and the traffic’s slow
Another ladies’s night in Buffalo”
-David Lee Roth
Per usual, DLR gets it right. Buffalo, for lack of a better adjective, sucks. As I type these first few sentences, I have just witnessed Rob Gronkowski get screwed again. Why? Because he is the greatest tight end in history and no one can cover him without foul. Sure, he tried to drive a defender in to the ground so hard he would reach the 7th Circle of Hell. So what? Gronk is a victim. He is like every intern at the Today show. Just trying to do some good and then the “magic button” gets pressed and he is trapped; to no fault of his own.
But, the mainstream media with spend the lion’s share of tonight/tomorrow/this week analyzing this aggression by RG, I am here to advise to another undercurrent that I want the fans of both sides of this game to recognize; Buffalo sucks.
You’re Not Good… You Stink
The legendary Ty Webb said it best. Yes, they suck at football. But the place just sucks in general. What do they have to offer this grand nation of ours? Bad weather? The world’s largest water slide? Shitty mustaches. You are New Yorkers, but not real New Yorkers. You are a 5-iron from being Canadian. That said, you ARE a great football town. I love this #BillsMafia phenomenon. You are embracing your sheer suckiness like you part Clevelander. Golf clap to that. The videos that dominate #Barstool on Sundays make us all laugh. But my condolences. Lighting yourselves on fire or slamming your buddy through a tailgate table is basically your only hope of getting media coverage. Desperate times, desperate measures. I get it and admire your grit.
Excuses Are like A$$holes…
And so, the Bills have lost to the New England Patriots… AGAIN. What do you do as you depart (I’m glad I am dead) Ralph Wilson Stadium? Here is my best guess.
– Pick a fight with the guy you have shared season tickets with for 11 years on way to car
– Talk about the Sabres in hopes of making yourself feel better
– Review the big day you have tomorrow working your plumbing apprentice job ‘near the Falls’ just to give your life some meaning
– Tell your buddy you and your 3rd wife are actually going to see the “real” New York at Christmas
– Make a Jim Kelly reference
– Distract your sad sack Bills’ fan kids about when you met Bruce Smith in a Men’s Room at an Arby’s in 1993
– At least we have the wings, right?
Look, I am sorry. I really am.
But, like Dr. Sean Maguire said in Good Will Hunting (P.S. another case of Boston winning!), “It’s not your fault.”
You suck Buffalo. Go eat some wings and some crow while you are at it.