Gillette Stadium seats approximately 66,000 people.  As, a lifelong New Englandah’ I will describe with confidence the exact experience that about half of those ticket holders will endure. This coming Thursday, our Super Bowl Champion Patriots take the field to kick off the 2017 NFL season.

Am I making some biased judgements and stereotyping about our fans?  You betcha.  Am I accurate?  Yes, yes I am.  (Remember that Saturday Night Live skit?  It’s pretty much like that with a football game included)

The average Patriots fan’s game day experience

Fan’s Name: Jimmy “Murph” Murphy

Occupation: Verizon Technician

Hometown: Weymouth, Massachusetts

September 7th, 2017

8:11AM

Murph texts his game buddies some ridiculous motivational message like “GameDay bitches” or “#LetsGO”

9:28AM

Snoozing in his Verizon truck counting the minutes until he can duck out of work

11:17AM

Crushes a Subway Italian B.M.T. bragging to his fellow lineman ‘How f*cked up he is gonna get at the game‘ and probably will be ‘”bangin’ in sick on Friday‘

Lyin’ to go to the Rayzah ain’t a lie

2:26PM

Punches out early and races home

2:27PM

Pulls in to Kappy’s Liquors.  Grabs two 30 racks of Bud Heavies, a bottle of Fireball for the game and a tallboy Heineken single for the ride to the house.

3:01PM

Slaps on his “vintage” Doug Flutie Patriots jersey to complement his Lee carpenter jeans and Timberland workbooks (take a few hits off the bong while waiting for his jackass buddies to pick him up.  (“Where are these assholes?” mumbles to himself).

 

Jet Fuel?  Check.

3:24PM

Finishes packing cooler.  Grabs ticket.  Sitting on froth steps.  Two more beers imbibed during this ‘process.’

3:39PM

Murph’s buddies roll up to his house in a 2012 Ford F-150.  Truck is packed with a full tailgate spread, a TV and that bumper sticker of the guy pissing on a New York Yankees emblem.  Tobes, Dunny and, the driver, Moose are ready to roll.

3:48PM

Tobes spills beer and gets screamed at and mocked by the other three

3:49PM

Tobes: F*ck you guys.

4:18PM

Traffic on Route 1 sucks.  Dunny has to piss and they are not pulling over so he fills the empty Gatorade Skoal dip-spit bottle he found under the driver’s seat.  Pours said urine out drivers side window.  Some sprays on Moose.  Dope slap delivered to Dunny’s dome.

4:39PM

Enter Gillette parking lot.  Tailgate setup is down to a science.  Murph and Dunny immediately start playing 10-car length catch and do zero of the work.

5:01PM

Grill is lit, TV is on, crew is about nine-beer level and the insane statements and predictions begin.

“16-0…definitely.”

“Edelman sucked anyway.”

“I heard Brady has hair plugs.”

“You get any of those Bahstool towels?”

“Goodell is a piece of sh%t.”

6:22PM

FIREBALL!

Beer goggles

6:36PM

Dunny attempts to ‘get some girls ovah heeya’.  

7:03PM

Murph throws up a little behind the truck.  Hides it from the boys.

7:32PM

‘We should get in there’.  Two beers shotgunned all around to get the buzz up knowing they are looking at $11 Bud Lights inside The Big Razor.

7:46PM

March in to Gillette begins.  Moose nearly gets in a fight with “some p#$$y with a Jets jersey on“.

7:48PM

Tobes forgot his ticket on the dashboard.  Has to run back.  Murph throws an 1/2 empty beer at him as he turns back.

7:52PM

Quick hit of the one-ie for Dunny.

7:55PM

Enter gates

Blitz for Six — it’s on

8:07PM

Stadium rocking.  Goodell hate-chants begin.

8:15 – 11:45PM

Banner, Anthem, and the complete dismantling of the Kansas City Chiefs

11:45PM – February 2018

ROAD TO SUPER BOWL 52!

 

P.S. Murph never made it to work the next day.