If Tom Brady is, in fact, the Greatest of All Time as an NFL Quarterback, then the late Hugh Hefner is certainly the GOAT of the flesh industry (although, Dave ‘El Pres’ Portnoy is chasing a legend).
Hefner, the brains and (anything-but-blue) balls behind the American dream that was Playboy Magazine, passed away at the tender age of 91 this week; no doubt with a giant smile on his face. This legend spent more than half of a century rocking a velvet robe and a captain’s hat while smiling and sauntering around the globe’s most beautiful women. Not only did he hang around these goddesses, he dated them. All of them. At times, all of them at once! And did I mention they all posed nude for his magazine? Yeah, safe to say if there is such a thing as ‘heaven on earth’ – for American males – the Playboy Mansion is perhaps that place.
What does this have to do with football?
The answer? Ab-so-lute-ly nothing. However, doesn’t it all come back to the Pats? And so, got me to thinking; what if we lined up HH’s most memorable Playboy Playmates and matched them to some of the All-Time New England Patriots. Sounds stupid, right? Well, so what, this is fun. The Boston Sports Extra Research Team took a long, hard (imagery intended) look into the archives and has matched up Playmate for Patriot. Some of the greatest and most famous cover models matched with their Patriot soulmate.
Here we go…
TOP 10: If Playmates Were Patriots
10. Barbara Streisand (1 cover): Doug Flutie
Are either one of these really worth of this top 10 list? Probably not, but, like her or not, Streisand is a legend and Flutie is a Boston icon. In truth, I’d rather see Doug’s “Flutie Flakes” than any lady part of Babs… but, hey….they make my list. Just warming up.
9. Paris Hilton (2 Covers): Vince Wilfork
Both Hilton and Wilfork love the spotlight. Perhaps both too ugly for TV, but there’s something about each that you can’t turn away from. Hilton is the spoiled daughter of a hotel magnate. Wilfork can eat a shitload of ribs. It’s all science, really.
8. LaToya Jackson (47 Covers) – Irving Fryar
This seemed like a match made in a very bizarre and haunted heaven, but work with me people. Both of these talents have one thing in common; batshit craziness. Before Irving got religified, he imported more drugs in to the system than a Columbian coffee boat. As for Latoya, she ranks perhaps the craziest in a family that was founded in the very principles of nuttiness. Scandals, arrests…these two are kindred spirits.
7. Carmen Electra (44 Covers): Kevin Faulk
Diversity. That is how I would compare these greats. Electra could act, take off her clothes, take off her clothes and, um, well, maybe that’s it? Faulk was Mr. Utility during his tenure. Run, catch, special teams, you name it, he did it for the Pats. If he could get naked as willingly as incredibly as his counterpart here, we are talking like a seven-tool player. Maybe this comparison makes no sense; like Baywatch.
6. Madonna (11 Covers): Adam Vinitieri
Now let’s talk about the longevity category. That is the link this dynamic duo shares in common and why they are rocking the number-six slot. I feel like Vinitieri has been kicking NFL field goals since the Like a Virgin album was released. While Madonna now looks like a crack-head tranny, there was a time when she reached men across the world ‘right between the uprights’. And Adam, as far as I am concerned, there should be a statue of you in Boston, my friend. Maybe one of you kicking Madonna right in the baby-maker? Just a thought? No? OK.
5. Jenny McCarthy (32 Covers) – Stanley ‘The Steamer’ Morgan
Speaking of longevity, rolling in to the Top Five, the talent jumps up a notch. Jenny McCarthy has been oozing sex for more that two decades and keeps going. While Stanley Morgan was no sex symbol, he was a constant in the lives of Patriots Nation during his time in Foxborough. Thirteen seasons in New England. All-time receiving yards leader. And, Jenny McCarthy has been giving ‘Steamers’ to men and boys since the Pete Carroll era. (Was dying to use that one since I started typing)
4. Marilyn Monroe (22 Covers): Rodney Harrison
Confident, good looking, sexy-to-the-core and ,even a bit, controversial all describe this icon. And Marilyn was pretty wild too. Both Monroe and Harrison had swagger in their game. Rodney was a vicious (some argue cheap-shot artist) but likable assassin on the field and Marilyn banged JFK. Match to Ms. Monroe.
3. Anna Nicole Smith (47 Covers): Ted Johnson
Sitting at number three on our list, a couple of Lunch Pail Crowd-ers . Tough, gritty, and positively brain-dead. Poor Anna Nicole, she could never seem to get her act together unless it involved nudity or a sound byte that makes you question if reading is really fundamental? T.J. was a fan favorite but perhaps stuck around the head smashing game a little too long.
2. Farrah Fawcett (15 Covers): John “Hog” Hannah
Now this next pairing represent the golden days of greatness; the 1970s. Every little girl aspired to look like the beautiful Farrah and every little fat kid in Boston knew they were stuck playing offensive line like Johnny Boy. I am sure Hannah himself had a few missed blocking assignments day-dreaming about this Charlie’s Angel grasping for his…. Nevermind. Not even gonna make the ‘Hog’ joke. Sitting right there, but not gonna do it.
And our taking the #1 slot…
1. Pamela Anderson (151 Covers): Tom Brady
No surprises here. 151 Playboy covers for Pam. Five Superbowls for Tom. Not much to say. Best at what they do. Dodging balls and throwing balls. I won’t even poll you on who you would rather see naked? The answer to question may surprise you.
Rest in Peace, Hugh. No matter what place you are now, it could not be a better place than where you were.